Family Preparation
How to Prepare Your Family for Surrendering to Federal Prison
Your incarceration affects your entire family. Preparing them properly, both practically and emotionally, is one of the most important things you can do before surrendering. This guide provides a framework for those difficult but essential conversations and preparations.
Having the Initial Conversation
If you haven't already had honest conversations about what's happening, don't delay. Family members who are kept in the dark experience more trauma when reality hits. Some principles for these conversations:
- Be direct: Vague reassurances create more anxiety than honest information
- Own your responsibility: Don't blame others or minimize what you did
- Acknowledge their feelings: They're entitled to be angry, scared, or sad
- Focus on the plan: Show you're taking steps to handle this responsibly
- Allow questions: Even hard ones deserve honest answers
Preparing Your Spouse or Partner
Your spouse faces the challenge of managing the household alone while maintaining the relationship with you. Key preparation areas:
Practical Matters
- Review all financial accounts, passwords, and obligations together
- Establish power of attorney for financial and legal matters
- Create a household manual for tasks you typically handle
- Review insurance policies and update beneficiaries
- Set up a realistic budget for the incarceration period
- Decide who handles communication with extended family and friends
Relationship Preparation
- Discuss expectations for communication frequency
- Plan visiting schedules considering work and family obligations
- Acknowledge the strain this will put on the relationship
- Consider couples counseling before and during incarceration
- Set realistic expectations about what can be maintained
Preparing Children
How you prepare children depends on their age and maturity. Research shows that children cope better when given honest, age-appropriate information rather than deceptive explanations.
Young Children (Under 8)
- Use simple, concrete language: "Daddy made a mistake and has to go away for a while"
- Emphasize that it's not their fault
- Reassure them about who will take care of them
- Maintain routines as much as possible
- Prepare for behavioral changes and provide extra attention
Pre-Teens (8-12)
- Provide more detail about what happened without graphic specifics
- Explain the legal process in understandable terms
- Be prepared for anger and embarrassment
- Discuss how to handle questions from friends
- Consider a school counselor for additional support
Teenagers
- Have adult-level conversations with appropriate context
- Acknowledge the impact on their social life and college plans
- Ask for their help with household responsibilities
- Watch for signs of depression, substance use, or acting out
- Professional counseling is often valuable at this age
Preparing Elderly Parents
If you have aging parents, their needs require special consideration:
- Assess their current care needs and who will meet them
- Consider how much detail to share based on their health and emotional capacity
- Arrange for someone else to maintain regular contact with them
- Set up communication systems (TRULINCS, phone) they can use
- Prepare for the possibility of health emergencies during your absence
Setting Up Communication Systems
Before you surrender, ensure your family understands how prison communication works:
- Phone: 300 minutes/month, calls are monitored, family should be on approved list
- Email (TRULINCS): Not instant, all messages monitored, requires approval
- Mail: Letters and photos allowed (with restrictions), mail is inspected
- Visits: Must be on approved list, follow dress code, plan for processing time
The first weeks in custody are often communication-blackout periods while you're processed. Prepare family members for this.
The Surrender Day Plan
How you handle surrender day matters emotionally for everyone:
- Decide together who comes to the surrender (if anyone)
- Plan meaningful time in the days before
- Have final conversations about important matters
- Prepare something tangible. Letters, recordings, meaningful items for children
- Keep the goodbye appropriate to the audience (don't fall apart in front of young children)
Building Support Systems
Your family will need support during your absence. Help them establish:
- Trusted friends or family who can provide practical help
- Professional support (therapists, counselors) when appropriate
- Support groups for families of incarcerated people
- Connection with organizations that assist families (OSBORNE Association, etc.)
- Faith community support if applicable
How Sam Can Help
Family preparation is a core part of Sam Mangel's consulting practice. He works not just with defendants but with entire families.
- Family Sessions: Joint meetings to address questions and concerns
- Children's Preparation: Age-appropriate guidance for discussing incarceration with children
- Practical Planning: Helping families organize for the incarceration period
- Communication Setup: Ensuring family understands phone, email, and visiting procedures
- Ongoing Support: Available throughout incarceration for family questions
Prepare Your Family Together
Your family's wellbeing matters. Contact Sam for comprehensive preparation that addresses everyone's needs.